childbirth

let me first off just say I love birth.

I love hearing about it, I love reading them, and I thought it was the best part of pregnancy. I could get a high just thinking about korvin's birth or looking at our birth pictures.

I had an epidural with Korvin and everything turned out great, I really have no complaints, but I secretly wanted a natural birth. I never did enough research to prepare for it though and I didn't know what to expect. I also didn't really know anyone who had done a natural childbirth before to talk to them about it. so I just went with it and ended up with an epidural.

when I got pregnant the second time around I started to look into it a little more. there was a birth center in St. George that I was really interested in so I scheduled an appointment and brought Brady along with me to check it out. he wasn't really sold on natural birth yet and he definitely vetoed a home birth. we both loved it! I was also torn because I really loved my OB and I didn't want to leave him but if I was going to do this I wanted to go all in and I felt like I really needed/wanted the support that I could get from a midwife. Then when everything with the miscarriage happened, I was so disappointed by the way he treated me and didn't even check on me when everything happened that I was totally okay switching to a midwife.

now that we finally got pregnant again I am so determined to have a natural birth! I am really excited about it and I want this so badly. when we moved up here I had to do a lot of research because I didn't know anyone so I had NO recommendations or even know where to start! I really wanted to find a birth center up here but no one would except any insurance and since I was almost half way the wanted half the money up front before they would even see me! we hadn't planned on moving up here so we had to use every single thing we had and so we were so tight on money as it was I was so discouraged. there was no way we could afford what I wanted and I was afraid I couldn't have my natural birth that I wanted so badly!

my next search was midwives at a hospital but I was even having a hard time with insurances there. it was really frustrating and I felt so defeated that I just quite looking for awhile. I was talking to a friend awhile back and she had mentioned her sister was going to a midwife that she loved and delivered at a hospital, but at the time I was still set on a birth center that I didn't give it to much thought. but then I remembered her so I called them and we went to check her out. and I am so in love!

I can' tell you how excited I am and so relieved that I have found someone that we can actually afford and I trust so much. it has been such a blessing in our lives that I needed so much. the hospital we are delivering at is a birth friendly hospital and they encourage natural birth! how awesome is that?! they have Jacuzzi's to sit in and I can move around and eat and drink what I want while laboring, and they encourage delayed cord clamping, skin to skin, and breastfeeding, they also encourage rooming in so it is everything that I wanted and I just can't wait to give birth to this sweet little boy that I am carrying.

I love him more than words can describe already and I know he is just what our family needs right now, even thought right now we are financially stressed, and not sure what is going to happen, I know this is right and I couldn't feel more blessed.

Brady and I have both been reading birth books and he has been so supportive of what I want and is willing to do whatever it takes to help me accomplish this goal. he has been learning so many new things and he will get so excited reading these books and tells me all about them. I love it and it is already bringing us closer together as a family.

sorry this is a random post but it is such big deal in our lives right now that I wanted to write it down. and share how excited I am about this. so if you have any positive stories or tips for natural child birth I would love to hear them!

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a little update..

so I am sorry it has been so long since I have been on here. life has gotten busy and I have neglected some things, but hopefully for a little while I can get things back to normal.
a lot has happened since I last wrote, some good and bad, so I will try and catch you up as best I can.

* since we lost our baby we have Christmas which was super low key and simple. I couldn't much so we just spent time with family and it was just the way I wanted it

* in January Brady and I celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary. my mom and dad kept Korvin overnight so we could spend time together. we had dinner and then spent the evening in. we didn't do very much because we were planning a trip to Mexico in march.

*which leads me to our next thing was our trip to Mexico! we had so much fun being spoiled rotten for a week at an amazing resort (check my mother-in-laws blog about her packages!) we went with Brady's parents and it was so fun to spend time with them and for Korvin to get to know them better since we don't get to see them very often. it was the perfect get-a-way and just what we needed and Korvin sure loved that sand! (more on our trip later)

*Brady and I started looking into buying a house and we fell in love with one but it was a little out of our budget so we talked with my parents and they had been wanting to re-do their garage into a family room for years now. so we decided that we would turn it into a family room for them so we could stay with them in there, to save some money and get this house that we wanted, and they would get a new family room when we left. in the meantime, Brady came to me and said he had been looking at schools to go into machining (what he is doing right now) and found one he loved in Kaysville, Utah.
I just thought he was just going through a phase so I said sure dear look into it, I never thought he would actually want to move away from St. George because I ask him all the time if we could and he always refuses to move and was determined to grow old here. but he kept looking into it and was starting to sound more serious so we prayed about it and decided it was what we needed to do so I said okay.

*so as of right now I am sitting in our new apartment in Layton, UT writing this. so crazy! I have no idea where anything is, and I don't no anyone yet so if anyone lives near by or has any info on some fun parks or things to do tell me!

I will write more details soon but I have to go get my baby up who has decided lately not to sleep and is struggling with this move...

oh and there is some exciting news I still have to post so come back later! :)

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feelings and change..

so i know it has been awhile since i have posted anything, and when i have posted i am super far behind. so many things in our life has happened and i just can't seem to catch up with any of it. i feel like everyone is moving forward and i am just standing here confused and alone.

 

i want to try and put my life back together and i want to write about it to keep as a journal.

i am soo not good and sharing my feelings with anyone (just ask my husband), and i really want to work on it. i love reading blogs and the ones i love to read most are the ones that are raw and not well manicured, or like they are trying to just show their prefect life. life is not perfect. it also helps me feel like i am not the only out there that is confused and a little messy.

 

so here are my jumbled up thoughts i am putting together.

 

from now on i am going to try and write on my blog more, and instead just posting the routine factual things that go in my life, i am going to write about what i am feeling and the things i am tryiing to tackle. and of course lots of pictures of my adorable family.

i am not a writer. i never liked to write and i am not good and all the grammer and punctuation things. so if you are still reading you will just have to bear with me and just enjoy the conversation and not the english behind it. (also get comfortable, this post is kinda long.)

i am struggling. with lots of things.

1: i have this weight (literally) hanging over me. i want to be healthy and skinny. i have always been the fatter friend. the bigger boobed friend. the huge hips friend. and i am super self conscience about it. and since i have had Korvin i feel like the girl who still looks pregnant friend that isn't really pregnant. ever since i lost this baby (and everything else that happened, that i will post about later) i started trying to loose weight and just try to be overall healthier. and it hasn't been easy. so far i have officially lost 11 pounds. the problem is i do really well during the week and then i blow it away on the weekends and have to start over. i don't do it intentionally, it just happens. but after having a long discussion with my husband he said something to me.
he said maybe i am not losing the weight because i am missing something else in my life. and he was right i was missing the gospel. he said maybe if i started reading my scriptures and praying everyday then maybe i coculd lose the weight and keep it off. i am LDS or mormon. i always have been. i know that the church is true i can feel it. and i love going to church on sundays, i even went to seminary most of the time. but one thing i have never been good at is praying and reading my scriptures. one thing i have probably never told anyone but i have never actually read the whole book of mormon cover to cover. and i want to. so this past week i have started reading and saying my prayers and i can honestly say it has helped me. i prayed to god that if i was reading and praying and doing the things that i need to be doing, then i want help to lose the weight i am carrying (pysically and emotionally). since i have started i have lost 3.5 pounds and i am feeling so much better about myself.
so back to my weighty issue, i am going to now be the healthy friend, the cute friend, and the friend that feels good about herself no matter what is going on.

2: i want another baby. i want another baby so bad it physically hurts sometimes. i want Korvin to have a sybling to play and fight with. i want the crazy of 2 kids and not knowing when i am going to shower or sleep next. (sometimes it still is that way) i want that fresh baby smell to snuggle up to. i want those flailing arms when they get startled. i want to nurse. i want to love on more then one baby. i want to have so much love that i just dont know where the love for one kid ends and the other begins. i want to wake up in the middle of the night knowing that my baby needs me and i can sooth, feed, and put them back to sleep.
don't get me wrong i am so grateful for Korvin and the little family i have now but it hurts knowing that i have one that will never really be apart of our family in this life. i wont be able to learn the little things that they love, or help calm them when they are sad. and i won't know what not to do when they get mad. i hate not knowing what the baby was so i can't even call them he or she.
my arms ache for more children and i can't wait for that one day i can say i have children and not child.
i am so grateful to those that have small ones that let me sit and pretend for a moment that i have all that. and i can enjoy those new precious little spirits. and know that one day it will happen again.

3: i am a people pleaser. i will do and say almost anything to make someone else happy or get their approval. i hate it. i want to be happy because i am happy. i don't want to feel like i have to be perfect or do certain things just so i can feel like i have accomplished something. i don't want to try so hard to make friends, i want to be more outgoing and have friends who like me for all of me and they want to hang out with me no matter what i look like. i want to be the popular one that has her life put together and  doesnt care what others think. i want to be able to say no when i dont necessarilly want to do something or be able to stand up for myself and acknowledge the things that i do and not get pushed to the bottom because i am more quiet and shy.
i also like to be needed. i love when others ask me for their help. that i can be able to help others when they need it. i love when people ask for my opinion and actually listen or take the advice i give.
i don't know very much but and i am not always right about the advice or my opinion but i want to be acknowledged.

change is hard. and it isn't easy to do things out of your comfort zone. but slowly i am going to work on it.

slowly, i am becoming a better person.
slowly, i am getting healthier.
slowly, i am more indepentant.
slowly, i am loving more.
slowly, i am becoming a better wife and mother.
slowly, i am becoming closer to the gospel.
slowly, i am getting the energy i need to keep up with my children.
slowly, i am going to be the way i want.
slowly, i am going to be happy with who i am.

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a visit to denny

in May we went to visit brady's mom and step dad in california.

we took 2 days to drive up because its such a long journey, and we were worried how Korvin would do that long in a car.

suprisingly he did very well!

we had so much fun while we were there for a week, we went on morning walks i couldn't resist taking so many fun pictures.

and he tend to fall asleep on all of them.

oh i just love that face

while we were there Brady made a cement planter box and we put Korvins hands and feet in it.

there back yard is so big and beautiful, its just so fun to look at.

and of course there was some daddy lovin' involved.

i just love these two.

Korvin loved playin with his cousins wolf and sol.

we had a big family dinner while we were there and saw all his other cousins, and brady's other side of the family that we don't get to see normally, but i didn't get any pictures dang it!

it was so much fun though!

look at them playin in the sand box, even though his face doesn't look like it in most of these, he really had a lot of fun.

on the drive home there was some fun scenery,

we drove through rain and snow which was crazy in May!

Korvin's first experience with snow.. he liked it at first, then he wasnt so sure..

we had so much fun visiting family and we are counting down the days till we can go back!

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daddy lovin'

Korvin loves his mama, but he is is loving his daddy more and more.

it is so fun to see how excited he gets when his daddy gets home.

here is some sunday fun relaxing, and i couldn't resist taking some pictures of the boys i love the most!

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mothers day

i had such a great mothers day, and it was so fun because it was my first one as a mamma! it was so fun to be able to share that special day with my little family and then for dinner we went to see bradys family, and for dessert we went to see my side of the family (more on the dessert part in another post). i love my mother so much, i have no idea what i would do without her! she is always helping me with my crazy ideas and she has taught me so much about being a great mother to my little boy. i have learned everything from her especially how to love your children.

i made her this cute little box from my new cameo and it had a fun gift card and goodies inside :) 

and then for all my sisters i made them these cute little boxes full of fun goodies inside too.

and for Connie i made this fun little paper box and plant pick to put some floweres inside.

it was so fun to make stuff for the ones i love :)

 

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dad's idea of babysitting

its funny when i ask brady to watch Korvin for a min or two i always come back to this..

Korvin sitting in the high chair, in front of the tv, with some random toys.
silly daddy but i guess it works.. (maybe i need to get some tips)

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day at the park

one fine afternoon my mom, sisters, and i loaded up our kids and headed to the park for a picnic and fun.

we had a great time and took some pictures along the way.

getting ready to go

eaching our lunch

playing




and all the munckins in a row.
Troy. Jonathan. Jaxton. Kayla. Alivia a.k.a. Lou Lou. Lacie. Korvin. Kya.

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