charlie: part 1

i will never forget when i first saw those two pink lines. life was full of hope and new beginnings. we were pregnant and nothing could get me down (except for that awesome morning sickness). my belly grew and i could feel our little boy moving and it was the most amazing experience. i kept growing and we had a beautiful little baby boy. he was growing up and we decided to have another baby.

we started trying and i missed my first period, but all the tests were showing up negative but one really really faint one. we went to the doctors and and the blood test was negative to and i was so disappointed. we waited and still no period so i took a another test and it was positive!

we were so excited! we couldn't wait to have another baby to join our family. we went and got a test at the doctors office and they were yelling out it was positive before i even got out of the bathroom. it was great they estimated my for June from the first period and set up an appointment.

we went and they couldn't find the heart beat so we said he would do a quick ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay. we did and there was something there but he said we were just not quite as far along as we thought, and the due date would be closer to mid july, so we just scheduled another appointment for the next month and we went home.

in the mean time i was super nauseous and tired but i just kept chugging along and slowly the month pasted. my appointment was wednesday morning December 4.  when we made the appointment Brady wasn't able to come so i invited my mom to come with me. i got a babysitter for  korvin and off we went.

we waited for my turn to finally go back and the doctor came in and he still couldn't find the heartbeat so he did another quick ultrasound and there was a sac and everything but now he couldn't find the baby.. i didn't want to alarm me but he said that the dates are off or you might have had a miscarriage.

i was thinking in my head you already thought my dates were off last time how could they be off again? he wanted me to do a blood test to check my HCG levels and if that didn't show anything than i would have to go schedule an official ultrasound at the hospital. they said to call back around 4 to get the results of the blood test and i said okay. so off i went across the hall and got my bloodwork done and went home to sit and wait...

 and wait i did because i called about 3:45 and left a message and 5 o'clock was slowly approaching and i never got a phone call. i tried one more time and nothing. i was so upset that they would not get back to me with something so important as this! I really love my doctor and he delivered Korvin and he has never not called me back before. the office has an on call doctor in the evening that you can call in case you need something and i was so upset that i called them to see if i could find anything out. they said since i was pregnant they would just get a hold of my real doctor and have him call me.

i waited...

and waited..

slept horribly and he never called.

to make things worse is my doctor is never in on thursdays. that is his day off. i was so upset that they would do this to somebody and make them wait like this! stewing over every horrible thought in my head. finally 9:00 in the morning came and i called the office and the poor receptionist that answered my phone call but i was angry and i wasn't hanging up until i got some answers! they had me leave a message with the on-call doctor and by then i was crying into the phone as i left the message. i thought good maybe they will feel bad and get back to me fast.

and they did! they were listening to the message, and the PA, that is under my doctor, just  happened to come in that morning to finish up some things and heard what was going on and got ahold of my doctor for me. she was so sweet and called me and told me that my blood test came back and my levels were like 44,000 and something and that she called and set up a ultra sound appointment for me.

Brady was at a new job and couldn't just take time off to come to my appointment and so my mom came with me again. the tech that did it was so sweet and talked me through everything and they did an ultrasound it showed that i was supposed to be 13.5 weeks and the baby's sac only measured 8 weeks 3 days. they got a lot of information from that ultrasound but they wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound as well just to make sure they didn't miss anything.

but that was it. the baby was gone.

my doctor saw the results and wanted me to come in at 8:30 the next morning to talk about options and things that were going to happen.

i don't think it had really sunk in that night but i had to come home and wait to tell my husband that our baby was gone. and that korvin wouldn't be a big brother anymore and come summer there would be no new baby.

how could i tell him that?

how could i say that i didn't do my part to keep this baby alive like i was supossed to, and that i had failed.

it was so hard. we both just sat together and cried. and then cried some more.
and just snuggled up together the rest of the night and didn't say much.

how can you?

nothing else really seemed important anymore.


to be continued...

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thank you.

i am so over whelmed with all the sweet comments and messages i have gotten in the last couple of days. it means so much to me and i am so grateful for the love and support i have gotten. i have cried and laughed and loved all the words that were written for my behalf. i can't thank you guys enough for listening to me and not judging me for how i am feeling and expressing things i normally wouldn't.

 

these last couple of days have been so nice and i am slowly starting to feel like my self again. i feel so much love and happiness right now, it was just what i needed.

 

oh and i am now down 14 pounds! wahoo! i just had to put that out there because it awesome.

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feelings and change..

so i know it has been awhile since i have posted anything, and when i have posted i am super far behind. so many things in our life has happened and i just can't seem to catch up with any of it. i feel like everyone is moving forward and i am just standing here confused and alone.

 

i want to try and put my life back together and i want to write about it to keep as a journal.

i am soo not good and sharing my feelings with anyone (just ask my husband), and i really want to work on it. i love reading blogs and the ones i love to read most are the ones that are raw and not well manicured, or like they are trying to just show their prefect life. life is not perfect. it also helps me feel like i am not the only out there that is confused and a little messy.

 

so here are my jumbled up thoughts i am putting together.

 

from now on i am going to try and write on my blog more, and instead just posting the routine factual things that go in my life, i am going to write about what i am feeling and the things i am tryiing to tackle. and of course lots of pictures of my adorable family.

i am not a writer. i never liked to write and i am not good and all the grammer and punctuation things. so if you are still reading you will just have to bear with me and just enjoy the conversation and not the english behind it. (also get comfortable, this post is kinda long.)

i am struggling. with lots of things.

1: i have this weight (literally) hanging over me. i want to be healthy and skinny. i have always been the fatter friend. the bigger boobed friend. the huge hips friend. and i am super self conscience about it. and since i have had Korvin i feel like the girl who still looks pregnant friend that isn't really pregnant. ever since i lost this baby (and everything else that happened, that i will post about later) i started trying to loose weight and just try to be overall healthier. and it hasn't been easy. so far i have officially lost 11 pounds. the problem is i do really well during the week and then i blow it away on the weekends and have to start over. i don't do it intentionally, it just happens. but after having a long discussion with my husband he said something to me.
he said maybe i am not losing the weight because i am missing something else in my life. and he was right i was missing the gospel. he said maybe if i started reading my scriptures and praying everyday then maybe i coculd lose the weight and keep it off. i am LDS or mormon. i always have been. i know that the church is true i can feel it. and i love going to church on sundays, i even went to seminary most of the time. but one thing i have never been good at is praying and reading my scriptures. one thing i have probably never told anyone but i have never actually read the whole book of mormon cover to cover. and i want to. so this past week i have started reading and saying my prayers and i can honestly say it has helped me. i prayed to god that if i was reading and praying and doing the things that i need to be doing, then i want help to lose the weight i am carrying (pysically and emotionally). since i have started i have lost 3.5 pounds and i am feeling so much better about myself.
so back to my weighty issue, i am going to now be the healthy friend, the cute friend, and the friend that feels good about herself no matter what is going on.

2: i want another baby. i want another baby so bad it physically hurts sometimes. i want Korvin to have a sybling to play and fight with. i want the crazy of 2 kids and not knowing when i am going to shower or sleep next. (sometimes it still is that way) i want that fresh baby smell to snuggle up to. i want those flailing arms when they get startled. i want to nurse. i want to love on more then one baby. i want to have so much love that i just dont know where the love for one kid ends and the other begins. i want to wake up in the middle of the night knowing that my baby needs me and i can sooth, feed, and put them back to sleep.
don't get me wrong i am so grateful for Korvin and the little family i have now but it hurts knowing that i have one that will never really be apart of our family in this life. i wont be able to learn the little things that they love, or help calm them when they are sad. and i won't know what not to do when they get mad. i hate not knowing what the baby was so i can't even call them he or she.
my arms ache for more children and i can't wait for that one day i can say i have children and not child.
i am so grateful to those that have small ones that let me sit and pretend for a moment that i have all that. and i can enjoy those new precious little spirits. and know that one day it will happen again.

3: i am a people pleaser. i will do and say almost anything to make someone else happy or get their approval. i hate it. i want to be happy because i am happy. i don't want to feel like i have to be perfect or do certain things just so i can feel like i have accomplished something. i don't want to try so hard to make friends, i want to be more outgoing and have friends who like me for all of me and they want to hang out with me no matter what i look like. i want to be the popular one that has her life put together and  doesnt care what others think. i want to be able to say no when i dont necessarilly want to do something or be able to stand up for myself and acknowledge the things that i do and not get pushed to the bottom because i am more quiet and shy.
i also like to be needed. i love when others ask me for their help. that i can be able to help others when they need it. i love when people ask for my opinion and actually listen or take the advice i give.
i don't know very much but and i am not always right about the advice or my opinion but i want to be acknowledged.

change is hard. and it isn't easy to do things out of your comfort zone. but slowly i am going to work on it.

slowly, i am becoming a better person.
slowly, i am getting healthier.
slowly, i am more indepentant.
slowly, i am loving more.
slowly, i am becoming a better wife and mother.
slowly, i am becoming closer to the gospel.
slowly, i am getting the energy i need to keep up with my children.
slowly, i am going to be the way i want.
slowly, i am going to be happy with who i am.

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