Wednesday, January 30, 2013

feelings and change..

so i know it has been awhile since i have posted anything, and when i have posted i am super far behind. so many things in our life has happened and i just can't seem to catch up with any of it. i feel like everyone is moving forward and i am just standing here confused and alone.
i want to try and put my life back together and i want to write about it to keep as a journal.
i am soo not good and sharing my feelings with anyone (just ask my husband), and i really want to work on it. i love reading blogs and the ones i love to read most are the ones that are raw and not well manicured, or like they are trying to just show their prefect life. life is not perfect. it also helps me feel like i am not the only out there that is confused and a little messy.
so here are my jumbled up thoughts i am putting together.
from now on i am going to try and write on my blog more, and instead just posting the routine factual things that go in my life, i am going to write about what i am feeling and the things i am tryiing to tackle. and of course lots of pictures of my adorable family.
i am not a writer. i never liked to write and i am not good and all the grammer and punctuation things. so if you are still reading you will just have to bear with me and just enjoy the conversation and not the english behind it. (also get comfortable, this post is kinda long.)

i am struggling. with lots of things.

1: i have this weight (literally) hanging over me. i want to be healthy and skinny. i have always been the fatter friend. the bigger boobed friend. the huge hips friend. and i am super self conscience about it. and since i have had Korvin i feel like the girl who still looks pregnant friend that isn't really pregnant. ever since i lost this baby (and everything else that happened, that i will post about later) i started trying to loose weight and just try to be overall healthier. and it hasn't been easy. so far i have officially lost 11 pounds. the problem is i do really well during the week and then i blow it away on the weekends and have to start over. i don't do it intentionally, it just happens. but after having a long discussion with my husband he said something to me.
he said maybe i am not losing the weight because i am missing something else in my life. and he was right i was missing the gospel. he said maybe if i started reading my scriptures and praying everyday then maybe i coculd lose the weight and keep it off. i am LDS or mormon. i always have been. i know that the church is true i can feel it. and i love going to church on sundays, i even went to seminary most of the time. but one thing i have never been good at is praying and reading my scriptures. one thing i have probably never told anyone but i have never actually read the whole book of mormon cover to cover. and i want to. so this past week i have started reading and saying my prayers and i can honestly say it has helped me. i prayed to god that if i was reading and praying and doing the things that i need to be doing, then i want help to lose the weight i am carrying (pysically and emotionally). since i have started i have lost 3.5 pounds and i am feeling so much better about myself.
so back to my weighty issue, i am going to now be the healthy friend, the cute friend, and the friend that feels good about herself no matter what is going on.

2: i want another baby. i want another baby so bad it physically hurts sometimes. i want Korvin to have a sybling to play and fight with. i want the crazy of 2 kids and not knowing when i am going to shower or sleep next. (sometimes it still is that way) i want that fresh baby smell to snuggle up to. i want those flailing arms when they get startled. i want to nurse. i want to love on more then one baby. i want to have so much love that i just dont know where the love for one kid ends and the other begins. i want to wake up in the middle of the night knowing that my baby needs me and i can sooth, feed, and put them back to sleep.
don't get me wrong i am so grateful for Korvin and the little family i have now but it hurts knowing that i have one that will never really be apart of our family in this life. i wont be able to learn the little things that they love, or help calm them when they are sad. and i won't know what not to do when they get mad. i hate not knowing what the baby was so i can't even call them he or she.
my arms ache for more children and i can't wait for that one day i can say i have children and not child.
i am so grateful to those that have small ones that let me sit and pretend for a moment that i have all that. and i can enjoy those new precious little spirits. and know that one day it will happen again.

3: i am a people pleaser. i will do and say almost anything to make someone else happy or get their approval. i hate it. i want to be happy because i am happy. i don't want to feel like i have to be perfect or do certain things just so i can feel like i have accomplished something. i don't want to try so hard to make friends, i want to be more outgoing and have friends who like me for all of me and they want to hang out with me no matter what i look like. i want to be the popular one that has her life put together and  doesnt care what others think. i want to be able to say no when i dont necessarilly want to do something or be able to stand up for myself and acknowledge the things that i do and not get pushed to the bottom because i am more quiet and shy.
i also like to be needed. i love when others ask me for their help. that i can be able to help others when they need it. i love when people ask for my opinion and actually listen or take the advice i give.
i don't know very much but and i am not always right about the advice or my opinion but i want to be acknowledged.

change is hard. and it isn't easy to do things out of your comfort zone. but slowly i am going to work on it.

slowly, i am becoming a better person.
slowly, i am getting healthier.
slowly, i am more indepentant.
slowly, i am loving more.
slowly, i am becoming a better wife and mother.
slowly, i am becoming closer to the gospel.
slowly, i am getting the energy i need to keep up with my children.
slowly, i am going to be the way i want.
slowly, i am going to be happy with who i am.