Saturday, February 2, 2013

charlie part 2

friday morning came and i got ready to go to my appointment. i have still been super nauseous through out all of this and that morning i used our new toothpaste i had bought, next thing i knew i was throwing it up because it was just awful! (i still don't use that tooth paste now, brady is slowly using it while i bought me something else.)  my mother-in-law came over to watch korvin because he was still asleep, and i headed of to my appointment.

i came into the office and i think everyone had just had a baby the day before because that is all there was in the waiting room. they signed up 3 new babies within like 15 minutes. the physician's assistant finally called me back and kept saying how sorry she was about all that she knew what had happened and kept trying to call me back first but they kept telling her no.

i waited a little in the back room and kept telling my self to be strong. i wanted to tell him how mad i was at him that he kept me waiting and he should NEVER do that to another patient. its common sense. but when he walked into the door and he gave that look. the look that says i am sorry but there is nothing i can do for you look. i just broke down and cried and everything else went out the window.

he patted my back and i settled down enough to talk, and he gave me 3 options:

1: i could wait, and do it naturally. technically i had been waiting though because i was supposed to be about a month farther along than we had thought.

2: i could have a D & C. i didn't really want to do that though because they could have lots of complications, and i didn't like the idea of going under or anything, i have never experienced that before.

3: i could take some pills. he would put them up vaginally, and they would start contractions and everything to get the baby out. he said it was very successful and you should slowly start cramping, and bleeding, it would get heavier and heavier while you pass everything and then it will slow back down like a regular period and then stop. he said occasionally people bleed more because their body has a hard time passing all the tissue or something gets stuck, then they would have to do the d & c but that doesn't happen very often.

i thought about it and i liked the idea of the pills to be able to go home and do it naturally instead of waiting or a big procedure but i wanted to think about it and i wanted to talk to my husband and see.
so we just made the appointment on monday to come back and if i chose to do the pills then i could do it then. i made the appointment for 4:00 monday afternoon because that was pretty much what they had and i did it later hoping brady would be able to come with me this time.

when brady got home that day i told him about all our options and he thought the pill sounded good too and he said what ever i felt most comfortable with. (cause how could you really feel comfortable with any of those options?) we just relaxed that evening and spent time together. i want to say my mom kept Korvin over night for us so we could spend time together? but i can't really remember that part. (she did one night for us i just don't remember if it was this night or not)

Saturday evening was our ward christmas party and i remembered looking so forward to that event and was so excited to make something for the pot luck. as saturday went on we kept trying to decide if we wanted to go or not and be finally decided it might be good for us to get out. i never made anything though and didn't want to so we just ran to costco and picked up those yummy peppermint wedding mint candies and took them with us.

i hadn't really announced that we were pregnant to too many people in our ward so no one really knew what was going on and we had only told family that we had lost the baby. and it was really hard to be there because we live in a young married ward so everyone is either pregnant or just had a baby.
i remember there was a santa claus there so we got pictures of Korvin with santa claus, and they tried to have all the kids do a little dance and it was so funny to watch korvin up there with brady trying to show him what to do.

i wasn't going to say anything unless somebody brought it up because how do you say that? we are talking to people and say 'oh by the way our baby died'. it's kind of a mood killer. Brady had told our home teacher though because he came over to talk to him. and one of my dear friends, Morgan, over heard and came to me. she was so sweet and i am grateful she found out so i could talk about it with out having to say anything. she listened and set up meals for us that week so we wouldn't have to worry about anything.

we ended up going home early because we were just 2 sad people that weren't providing much fun, and i could do that at home in my sweats. before we left are bishop stopped us, he is so awesome by the way, and talked to us because he could just tell that something was different and that i was sad. he was so sweet and said all the right words and it was just because he knew something was wrong but no idea what. we ended up telling him and was just so great and comforting to us.

we didn't go to church sunday, it was more than we could handle so we just stayed home and spent the day together. it was so nice.

monday slowly came and i just watched the clock tick waiting for my appointment. i was so nervous and was just done with all these doctor's appointments and ultrasounds. there is just so much waiting, worrying, and draining. finally the time came to go to the doctors and i again got a babysitter for korvin(poor guy got tossed around for awhile.) brady wasn't able to come to this one either..

the appointment was pretty quick i had to get the pills and come back and they put them in. and i just had to go home and wait for them to take affect.

to be continued..

Friday, February 1, 2013

charlie: part 1

i will never forget when i first saw those two pink lines. life was full of hope and new beginnings. we were pregnant and nothing could get me down (except for that awesome morning sickness). my belly grew and i could feel our little boy moving and it was the most amazing experience. i kept growing and we had a beautiful little baby boy. he was growing up and we decided to have another baby.

we started trying and i missed my first period, but all the tests were showing up negative but one really really faint one. we went to the doctors and and the blood test was negative to and i was so disappointed. we waited and still no period so i took a another test and it was positive!

we were so excited! we couldn't wait to have another baby to join our family. we went and got a test at the doctors office and they were yelling out it was positive before i even got out of the bathroom. it was great they estimated my for June from the first period and set up an appointment.

we went and they couldn't find the heart beat so we said he would do a quick ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay. we did and there was something there but he said we were just not quite as far along as we thought, and the due date would be closer to mid july, so we just scheduled another appointment for the next month and we went home.

in the mean time i was super nauseous and tired but i just kept chugging along and slowly the month pasted. my appointment was wednesday morning December 4.  when we made the appointment Brady wasn't able to come so i invited my mom to come with me. i got a babysitter for  korvin and off we went.

we waited for my turn to finally go back and the doctor came in and he still couldn't find the heartbeat so he did another quick ultrasound and there was a sac and everything but now he couldn't find the baby.. i didn't want to alarm me but he said that the dates are off or you might have had a miscarriage.

i was thinking in my head you already thought my dates were off last time how could they be off again? he wanted me to do a blood test to check my HCG levels and if that didn't show anything than i would have to go schedule an official ultrasound at the hospital. they said to call back around 4 to get the results of the blood test and i said okay. so off i went across the hall and got my bloodwork done and went home to sit and wait...

 and wait i did because i called about 3:45 and left a message and 5 o'clock was slowly approaching and i never got a phone call. i tried one more time and nothing. i was so upset that they would not get back to me with something so important as this! I really love my doctor and he delivered Korvin and he has never not called me back before. the office has an on call doctor in the evening that you can call in case you need something and i was so upset that i called them to see if i could find anything out. they said since i was pregnant they would just get a hold of my real doctor and have him call me.

i waited...

and waited..

slept horribly and he never called.

to make things worse is my doctor is never in on thursdays. that is his day off. i was so upset that they would do this to somebody and make them wait like this! stewing over every horrible thought in my head. finally 9:00 in the morning came and i called the office and the poor receptionist that answered my phone call but i was angry and i wasn't hanging up until i got some answers! they had me leave a message with the on-call doctor and by then i was crying into the phone as i left the message. i thought good maybe they will feel bad and get back to me fast.

and they did! they were listening to the message, and the PA, that is under my doctor, just  happened to come in that morning to finish up some things and heard what was going on and got ahold of my doctor for me. she was so sweet and called me and told me that my blood test came back and my levels were like 44,000 and something and that she called and set up a ultra sound appointment for me.

Brady was at a new job and couldn't just take time off to come to my appointment and so my mom came with me again. the tech that did it was so sweet and talked me through everything and they did an ultrasound it showed that i was supposed to be 13.5 weeks and the baby's sac only measured 8 weeks 3 days. they got a lot of information from that ultrasound but they wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound as well just to make sure they didn't miss anything.

but that was it. the baby was gone.

my doctor saw the results and wanted me to come in at 8:30 the next morning to talk about options and things that were going to happen.

i don't think it had really sunk in that night but i had to come home and wait to tell my husband that our baby was gone. and that korvin wouldn't be a big brother anymore and come summer there would be no new baby.

how could i tell him that?

how could i say that i didn't do my part to keep this baby alive like i was supossed to, and that i had failed.

it was so hard. we both just sat together and cried. and then cried some more.
and just snuggled up together the rest of the night and didn't say much.

how can you?

nothing else really seemed important anymore.

to be continued...

thank you.

i am so over whelmed with all the sweet comments and messages i have gotten in the last couple of days. it means so much to me and i am so grateful for the love and support i have gotten. i have cried and laughed and loved all the words that were written for my behalf. i can't thank you guys enough for listening to me and not judging me for how i am feeling and expressing things i normally wouldn't.
these last couple of days have been so nice and i am slowly starting to feel like my self again. i feel so much love and happiness right now, it was just what i needed.
oh and i am now down 14 pounds! wahoo! i just had to put that out there because it awesome.