charlie: part 1

i will never forget when i first saw those two pink lines. life was full of hope and new beginnings. we were pregnant and nothing could get me down (except for that awesome morning sickness). my belly grew and i could feel our little boy moving and it was the most amazing experience. i kept growing and we had a beautiful little baby boy. he was growing up and we decided to have another baby.

we started trying and i missed my first period, but all the tests were showing up negative but one really really faint one. we went to the doctors and and the blood test was negative to and i was so disappointed. we waited and still no period so i took a another test and it was positive!

we were so excited! we couldn't wait to have another baby to join our family. we went and got a test at the doctors office and they were yelling out it was positive before i even got out of the bathroom. it was great they estimated my for June from the first period and set up an appointment.

we went and they couldn't find the heart beat so we said he would do a quick ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay. we did and there was something there but he said we were just not quite as far along as we thought, and the due date would be closer to mid july, so we just scheduled another appointment for the next month and we went home.

in the mean time i was super nauseous and tired but i just kept chugging along and slowly the month pasted. my appointment was wednesday morning December 4.  when we made the appointment Brady wasn't able to come so i invited my mom to come with me. i got a babysitter for  korvin and off we went.

we waited for my turn to finally go back and the doctor came in and he still couldn't find the heartbeat so he did another quick ultrasound and there was a sac and everything but now he couldn't find the baby.. i didn't want to alarm me but he said that the dates are off or you might have had a miscarriage.

i was thinking in my head you already thought my dates were off last time how could they be off again? he wanted me to do a blood test to check my HCG levels and if that didn't show anything than i would have to go schedule an official ultrasound at the hospital. they said to call back around 4 to get the results of the blood test and i said okay. so off i went across the hall and got my bloodwork done and went home to sit and wait...

 and wait i did because i called about 3:45 and left a message and 5 o'clock was slowly approaching and i never got a phone call. i tried one more time and nothing. i was so upset that they would not get back to me with something so important as this! I really love my doctor and he delivered Korvin and he has never not called me back before. the office has an on call doctor in the evening that you can call in case you need something and i was so upset that i called them to see if i could find anything out. they said since i was pregnant they would just get a hold of my real doctor and have him call me.

i waited...

and waited..

slept horribly and he never called.

to make things worse is my doctor is never in on thursdays. that is his day off. i was so upset that they would do this to somebody and make them wait like this! stewing over every horrible thought in my head. finally 9:00 in the morning came and i called the office and the poor receptionist that answered my phone call but i was angry and i wasn't hanging up until i got some answers! they had me leave a message with the on-call doctor and by then i was crying into the phone as i left the message. i thought good maybe they will feel bad and get back to me fast.

and they did! they were listening to the message, and the PA, that is under my doctor, just  happened to come in that morning to finish up some things and heard what was going on and got ahold of my doctor for me. she was so sweet and called me and told me that my blood test came back and my levels were like 44,000 and something and that she called and set up a ultra sound appointment for me.

Brady was at a new job and couldn't just take time off to come to my appointment and so my mom came with me again. the tech that did it was so sweet and talked me through everything and they did an ultrasound it showed that i was supposed to be 13.5 weeks and the baby's sac only measured 8 weeks 3 days. they got a lot of information from that ultrasound but they wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound as well just to make sure they didn't miss anything.

but that was it. the baby was gone.

my doctor saw the results and wanted me to come in at 8:30 the next morning to talk about options and things that were going to happen.

i don't think it had really sunk in that night but i had to come home and wait to tell my husband that our baby was gone. and that korvin wouldn't be a big brother anymore and come summer there would be no new baby.

how could i tell him that?

how could i say that i didn't do my part to keep this baby alive like i was supossed to, and that i had failed.

it was so hard. we both just sat together and cried. and then cried some more.
and just snuggled up together the rest of the night and didn't say much.

how can you?

nothing else really seemed important anymore.


to be continued...

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