Monday, September 30, 2013


i can't believe my baby is going to be two!
he is so much fun at this stage and seeing his full blown personality
and he is learning so much every day.
he knows all of his shapes and can say them all too except triangle.
he points them all out from far away and you have to find where he is pointing to them at or he wont stop saying it.
his favorite is a star.
he knows tons of animals and their sounds. we go to the zoo a lot up here and he just loves it!
he is learning his colors and his favorite color is red.
he loves to read books and point everything out that he knows in them.
he loves all things cars and planes. we live next to an air force base so we get to see and point out lots of planes.
we drive cars around all day long. he never tires of it.
he also love "mino mino me" (mickey and Minnie mouse).
he is obsessed with blankets! he has his favorite one (his "B") but if anyone else in the house has one he promptly stills it, wraps himself up, and says "mine!" and if your lucky he will give you a little corner to share.
he loves to swing. once he gets on one, he will not get off without a fight.
he constantly wants to eat but has started to become so picky it makes it really hard to feed him.
he sleeps in a big boy bed now and loves it!
he climbs off or jumps off whatever he can find.
he loves to be outside, and he loves his shoes because as soon as he gets them on he knows he is going outside.
whenever he leaves a room or he is going to run away he tells me bye!
he has started to talk a lot more and say words, but he has really started his own gibberish too which is pretty funny.
he still has not learned the word yes (no matter how hard I have been trying!) so everything is no! which makes it really hard to figure out what he really wants.
 he also really loves music and loves to dance. if he hears music he immediately starts to dance and makes sure you are dancing right along with him!
that's all I can think of right now, I am sure there is more.
here are some pictures I took at the park the other day.
I have to say he is one little stud muffin!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013


let me first off just say I love birth.

I love hearing about it, I love reading them, and I thought it was the best part of pregnancy. I could get a high just thinking about korvin's birth or looking at our birth pictures.

I had an epidural with Korvin and everything turned out great, I really have no complaints, but I secretly wanted a natural birth. I never did enough research to prepare for it though and I didn't know what to expect. I also didn't really know anyone who had done a natural childbirth before to talk to them about it. so I just went with it and ended up with an epidural.

when I got pregnant the second time around I started to look into it a little more. there was a birth center in St. George that I was really interested in so I scheduled an appointment and brought Brady along with me to check it out. he wasn't really sold on natural birth yet and he definitely vetoed a home birth. we both loved it! I was also torn because I really loved my OB and I didn't want to leave him but if I was going to do this I wanted to go all in and I felt like I really needed/wanted the support that I could get from a midwife. Then when everything with the miscarriage happened, I was so disappointed by the way he treated me and didn't even check on me when everything happened that I was totally okay switching to a midwife.

now that we finally got pregnant again I am so determined to have a natural birth! I am really excited about it and I want this so badly. when we moved up here I had to do a lot of research because I didn't know anyone so I had NO recommendations or even know where to start! I really wanted to find a birth center up here but no one would except any insurance and since I was almost half way the wanted half the money up front before they would even see me! we hadn't planned on moving up here so we had to use every single thing we had and so we were so tight on money as it was I was so discouraged. there was no way we could afford what I wanted and I was afraid I couldn't have my natural birth that I wanted so badly!

my next search was midwives at a hospital but I was even having a hard time with insurances there. it was really frustrating and I felt so defeated that I just quite looking for awhile. I was talking to a friend awhile back and she had mentioned her sister was going to a midwife that she loved and delivered at a hospital, but at the time I was still set on a birth center that I didn't give it to much thought. but then I remembered her so I called them and we went to check her out. and I am so in love!

I can' tell you how excited I am and so relieved that I have found someone that we can actually afford and I trust so much. it has been such a blessing in our lives that I needed so much. the hospital we are delivering at is a birth friendly hospital and they encourage natural birth! how awesome is that?! they have Jacuzzi's to sit in and I can move around and eat and drink what I want while laboring, and they encourage delayed cord clamping, skin to skin, and breastfeeding, they also encourage rooming in so it is everything that I wanted and I just can't wait to give birth to this sweet little boy that I am carrying.

I love him more than words can describe already and I know he is just what our family needs right now, even thought right now we are financially stressed, and not sure what is going to happen, I know this is right and I couldn't feel more blessed.

Brady and I have both been reading birth books and he has been so supportive of what I want and is willing to do whatever it takes to help me accomplish this goal. he has been learning so many new things and he will get so excited reading these books and tells me all about them. I love it and it is already bringing us closer together as a family.

sorry this is a random post but it is such big deal in our lives right now that I wanted to write it down. and share how excited I am about this. so if you have any positive stories or tips for natural child birth I would love to hear them!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Avacodos and ramblings...

*so as some of you may already know, we are expecting another baby boy in January!
we are beyond thrilled and could not be any happier right now.
I can't wait for this little guy to come into our family and for Korvin to have a little brother.
I do have to say I am a little nervous for all the mischief they are going to get into together but that is what brothers are for right?

*tomorrow I will be 17 weeks! our little guy is the size of an avocado and I am almost half way there which is so exciting. I am so done with all this first trimester stuff, I feel like I have been in that stage for so long with both babies I thought I would never get out of this stage. luckily though this has been the best pregnancy so far as the morning sickness goes. I have had a lot of back pains though with this pregnancy, I have also had a lot of sciatica pain as well which really stinks.

*the energy thing has also been a problem for me. Korvin is so active it has been hard to keep up with him. Brady also has a crazy schedule where he goes to school in the morning and works in the afternoon till early morning so we only see him a couple hours a day and so it has really taken its toll of Korvin and I. we really miss him!

*ever since we moved up here our dependable car has had so many problems! we had to just change the battery on the car because it was so dead and now we are having problems with our keys so it wont start. it is going to cost us $500 dollars to fix it, and since we used every amount of savings we had to get up here it will be awhile before we can get it fixed. so that means Korvin and I have pretty much stayed in doors the last couple of weeks so we are itching to get out of the house.

*moving is a lot of work. it has been so stressful trying to get everything switched over to our new place and trying to get things organized in this place. the biggest thing I have had a hard time with is finding a new doctor up here! since I don't know hardly anyone up here, I don't have any recommendations of where to go and people up here are so much pickier about insurances! I think I finally find somebody and then they don't take my insurance so I have to start all over.

*I really wanted to deliver with a midwife in a birthing center up here but they really don't take any insurances and since I am almost half way they want half of the money right now. which is not a possibility right now either, but I am determined to have this baby naturally and I think I might have found a midwife that will deliver in a hospital. so we are keeping our fingers crossed!

*well that is all the ramblings I have right now, and I promise I am going to try to be better at this blogging thing! Korvin is in bed now so I am off to bed too. good night!

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

a little update..

so I am sorry it has been so long since I have been on here. life has gotten busy and I have neglected some things, but hopefully for a little while I can get things back to normal.
a lot has happened since I last wrote, some good and bad, so I will try and catch you up as best I can.

* since we lost our baby we have Christmas which was super low key and simple. I couldn't much so we just spent time with family and it was just the way I wanted it

* in January Brady and I celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary. my mom and dad kept Korvin overnight so we could spend time together. we had dinner and then spent the evening in. we didn't do very much because we were planning a trip to Mexico in march.

*which leads me to our next thing was our trip to Mexico! we had so much fun being spoiled rotten for a week at an amazing resort (check my mother-in-laws blog about her packages!) we went with Brady's parents and it was so fun to spend time with them and for Korvin to get to know them better since we don't get to see them very often. it was the perfect get-a-way and just what we needed and Korvin sure loved that sand! (more on our trip later)

*Brady and I started looking into buying a house and we fell in love with one but it was a little out of our budget so we talked with my parents and they had been wanting to re-do their garage into a family room for years now. so we decided that we would turn it into a family room for them so we could stay with them in there, to save some money and get this house that we wanted, and they would get a new family room when we left. in the meantime, Brady came to me and said he had been looking at schools to go into machining (what he is doing right now) and found one he loved in Kaysville, Utah.
I just thought he was just going through a phase so I said sure dear look into it, I never thought he would actually want to move away from St. George because I ask him all the time if we could and he always refuses to move and was determined to grow old here. but he kept looking into it and was starting to sound more serious so we prayed about it and decided it was what we needed to do so I said okay.

*so as of right now I am sitting in our new apartment in Layton, UT writing this. so crazy! I have no idea where anything is, and I don't no anyone yet so if anyone lives near by or has any info on some fun parks or things to do tell me!

I will write more details soon but I have to go get my baby up who has decided lately not to sleep and is struggling with this move...

oh and there is some exciting news I still have to post so come back later! :)

Sunday, April 14, 2013

charlie part 3

so it has been awhile..
i am sorry to be one of those people who start a story and don't finish posting it right away.
i have had a hard time writing this post because this is where everything happened. i have come to terms with it and i am okay with it, but finally putting it down on words and reliving it was just something i was not ready to do.
and now i am.
**but i must now put this is graphic and may be too much information but this is what happened and i want to write it down before i forget too much so viewer discretion is advised**
so i left off right after my doctors appointment on monday afternoon.
my doctor has said the pill will work fast that it would cause my uterus to start contracting and that i would start passing clots it would get heavier and heavier and then it would die down and be just like a regular period.
so when i got home i just relaxed and was expecting to have it start happening soon.
brady came home and someone brought us food over for dinner.
we ate.
we waited.
and waited.
and nothing was happening so we put korvin down for bed and we went to bed too.
around 11 o' clock i was still awake and had to use the bathroom so i went and there was a little spotting, but hardly anything so i went back to bed.
i finally started to fall asleep around midnight and could start to feeling something happening so i went to the bathroom.
i passed some clots and being afraid to flush the toilet because my baby could be in there. (my doctor said i wouldn't be able to tell because the baby would have broken down and not been distinguishable. but that thought still runs through your mind.
i finally go enough courage to look down but i could not see anything because the water was a dark red. i closed my eyes, hurried and flushed, and went and layed back down.
(there is no way i could have been brave enough to fish things out and brady was asleep and had to be to work the next day so i wasn't going to wake him up either.)

i started to fall asleep again around 1:30 a.m. the same thing started to happen. i jumped up and by the time i got to the bathroom everything was soaked through. i passed more clots and cleaned up. i decided to sleep on the couch so i wouldn't wake up brady. he had just gotten a new job and couldn't get any work off and he has to be up at 5:30 in the morning so i wanted to let him sleep.

another hour later after i have just fallen asleep it happens again. i am trying to hurry to the bathroom and i have soaked through everything again. so i clean everything up and get settled back in. and just a little bit later i hear Korvin waking up, which is not normal for him. i layed there for a little bit and he started crying and i didn't want brady to wake up to him so i go over to the stairs and start to climb over the baby gate when blood just starts gushing out and running all down my legs and on the rug and everywhere. i am trying to clean things up but as gross as it is, i am dripping everywhere. i get myself all cleaned up again and luckily korvin just went back to sleep without me so i could clean everything else up and settle back down on the couch.

i was starting to get worried because this didn't really feel right. i felt like i should be starting to slow down on my bleeding and the doctor did say that there was a small chance that if the bleeding didn't stop then i would have to go in and get a D & C because my body couldn't get rid of all the tissue by itself.

again around 4:00 a.m. i get up and run to the bathroom. it doesn't feel right. i remember getting really hot and i was sweating, i also felt like i was going to throw up. i try to yell out for brady as he is getting up, i got really nauseous, i yelled for him to grab a bowl, then i leaned over the side of the tub and threw up.

i was so shaky and sweaty and just not at all well. i remember brady kneeling in front of me asking what was the matter and i was trying to tell him what has been happening. then he is shaking me, and yelling my name. i remember hearing him yell but i felt like i was in a deep sleep and it was so hard to wake up. everything was blurry. i asked him what was the matter and he said i had passed out.
he said we needed to go to the hospital and kept saying i was so white.

after i had passed out i felt my body recharging and i felt so much better. brady had called my mom and then called my awesome neighbor and she hurried over to watch korvin while brady took me to the hospital. i remember going outside and brady kept trying to put a jacket on me but it felt so good to feel the cold air!

we get to the hospital and i feel so much better and feel kinda stupid for coming into the hospital. but apparently i didn't look alright because as soon as they saw me they rushed a wheelchair to me and made me sit and then wheeled me back to the emergency room right away.

a lot of this part was a blur and yet some parts went by so slowly. i remember getting in bed and mumbling information they needed. i remember telling them about where to find veins, (when i took my EMT classes with iv's i learned that no one could ever find my veins and even the instructors tried and only got them a couple of times, and having korvin i had to tell them where to go. i just have deep veins and most of the time they have to do what you call a blind stick.) brady also called work and told them he wouldn't be in that day, and they took several blood tests to see all my blood levels, and i remember my mom and sister coming to see me. but most of the time i just wanted to sleep.

i remember telling that i needed to use the bathroom and they brought me in one of those awesome old people potties. they kept asking me if i was okay to get up and go and i kept saying yes i was find because i thought i was. i then proceeded to slowly get up and then pass out.

i lost all my privileges. no one would let me get out of bed again. that also meant since i couldn't get up i had to have someone else clean me up from all the blood. but i don't remember to much because i don't think i was all there.

we had to wait several hours for reasons i don't really know. i know that for part they were trying to get a hold of my doctor, and waiting for radiology to come in so they could do some ultrasounds. they did ultrasounds and everything cam back from what we already knew that we lost the baby and they couldn't see any big pieces of remaining tissue.

then we waited some more. they were trying to schedule me a D&C, where i would have to go under, and get a doctor in that would do it. when the doctor that was going to do my d&c came in and was checking my blood levels and everything and saw how low my count was (hct 26.1(normal 40) and HGB 9(normal 14)) he wanted to check and see if he had to really go in and do a d&c because i would have to go under and most likely have a blood transfusion.

 it was now around 9:30 a.m. and i have had no pain medication or food since the day before. he props my lower half into the air on one of those bed potty things and starts pulling out baseball size blood clots. he starts using other tools and starts scraping things out, and says he will just do the procedure here and then i hopefully wont have to have any blood transfusions if he can get it to stop.

from then on i just remember pain. pure, un-medicated pain. the most pain i have ever felt. brady and my mom were there for support and were holding my hands. Brady kept telling me to squeeze his hand it was okay, but i was so much in my own world just trying to manage everything that was going on that i couldn't even speak. i felt trapped in the pain and i just wanted to give up.

brady continued to keep telling me to squeeze his hand and i finally found my voice to yell out i couldn't! i couldn't even focus to do anything at that point but feel the pain. i started crying and i just kept listening to the doctor on what he was doing. he talked the entire time and told me exactly what he was doing and why he was doing it. it kept me sane. once brady understood what i was trying to do he and my mom kept telling me words of encouragement.

my mouth was so dry from not drinking and all the crying that my mom got me those sponge suckers and kept wetting my mouth enough to make it more bearable. my heart rate kept going up and up till it was around 200 and finally the doctor said something and asked if i had had any pain medication and i yelled out no! he stopped and told the nurses to get me some immediately and waited for it to kick in. by now it had been about 45 minutes into the procedure and i was at my limits.

during the procedure my iv line started to go bad. it was so painful and it felt like my arm was on fire. and they had to start a new line in my other arm.

i just cried. i gave in to the pain and cried more than i have ever cried in my life. i couldn't control the pain, my baby was dead and gone and this made it more official. i was having the d&c that i didn't want and everything that was going wrong was.

when the drugs started to work and while he was waiting he did an ultrasound on my uterus to check and make sure he was getting everything. we worked for a little bit more and i just tried to stay as calm as i could. i didn't know what else to do and there wasn't anything else i could do. the medication didn't help that much but there wasn't a lot left for him to do.
it took him about another 15 minutes to finish up the rest and then i had to sit in the same spot and wait to see if my bleeding would stop.

and let me tell you that was pretty painful as well! everything just ached and hurt from being so stiff and i just held all that pain in by stiffening up so just hurt everywhere. but i did it. the iv in my arm was not a good one and it still burned and was super painful as well but there wasn't much more they could do.

they also gave me a very painful shot in my thigh to close up my cervix. once they finally pulled out that bed potty thing that was propping me up it was a joyous time! i couldn't wait to be cleaned up. i just wanted a shower food and sleep.

i had to be transferred to the other hospital because that is where the doctor that did my d&c worked and that way he could keep a better eye on me, and too see if i would need a blood transfusion or not.

i forgot to mention that brady's elders quorum president is a paramedic and happened to be at work when this was all happening. he would keep coming in and checking on us and he was the one that actually transferred me to the other hospital in the ambulance. it was so amazing to have someone there that knew what was going on and that we knew to help. it was such a great blessing and he continued to call and check up on me the the next couple of weeks, he was just awesome.

by the time they actually was transferring me to the other hospital is when the drugs and everything kicked in and i could not keep my eyes open no matter how hard i tried. my mind was racing with everything going on but my eyeballs would not work they way i wanted them to. it was the weirdest thing. and i may or may not have said some weird things to our poor friend and his paramedic companion.

we finally got to the other hospital  i think around 1:00 p.m. and they took me up to the post partum floor. i first asked for food and while i was waiting i begged for a shower but since i was still so weak and light headed they refused.

i fell asleep before my food got there but i woke up again and tried to eat but i was so nauseous that i couldn't. and i was so cold i had to keep asking for more blankets. i also kept hoping i could get the iv out because it was so painful but they said no incase i did ending up have a blood transfusion.
i slept for a little bit longer but i just felt so disgusting that i told them i was feeling well enough to take a shower just because i couldn't take it anymore.

brady ended up holding most of my weight walking down the hall and to the shower and sat in a chair while he helped wash my hair and everything. it was so nice and i started to feel like a human being again! after the quick shower he helped me back and i took a nap until around 4 when korvin had woken up from his nap. and i was waiting to see him i just wanted to hold my baby and love on him.

when he came he was anything but in the snuggling mood and didn't want anything to do with me. it was so hard because i couldn't do anything but that was all i wanted was to be able to be with him and take care of the baby i did have.

they didn't stay for very long because i was so exhausted.  i had a hard time sleeping though and i was still hungry but couldn't eat anything. finally around 7 or so the nurse came in and was talking to us and said that the blood test they took again said my blood count had leveled out and wasn't going lower than it was so i could go home and that as long as my bleeding had stopped i could go home. Hallelujah! i just had to wait for the doctor to come up and sign everything to let me go.

Korvin's bed time is 8:00 p.m. and i wanted to get out of there so bad before he went to bed so i could see him again and he could sleep at home in our own beds. everyone was busy and i was being the annoying patient that kept pushing her call button to get out of there and keep moving things along so i could get home to my son. (and also to get my stupid iv out!) finally around 8:30 we were leaving the hospital!!

we went home, and i tried to snuggle my sweet baby before he went to bed (which never worked but i had to try) and went to bed myself home at last.

now i had to start my new journey and heal my broken self.


Saturday, February 2, 2013

charlie part 2

friday morning came and i got ready to go to my appointment. i have still been super nauseous through out all of this and that morning i used our new toothpaste i had bought, next thing i knew i was throwing it up because it was just awful! (i still don't use that tooth paste now, brady is slowly using it while i bought me something else.)  my mother-in-law came over to watch korvin because he was still asleep, and i headed of to my appointment.

i came into the office and i think everyone had just had a baby the day before because that is all there was in the waiting room. they signed up 3 new babies within like 15 minutes. the physician's assistant finally called me back and kept saying how sorry she was about all that she knew what had happened and kept trying to call me back first but they kept telling her no.

i waited a little in the back room and kept telling my self to be strong. i wanted to tell him how mad i was at him that he kept me waiting and he should NEVER do that to another patient. its common sense. but when he walked into the door and he gave that look. the look that says i am sorry but there is nothing i can do for you look. i just broke down and cried and everything else went out the window.

he patted my back and i settled down enough to talk, and he gave me 3 options:

1: i could wait, and do it naturally. technically i had been waiting though because i was supposed to be about a month farther along than we had thought.

2: i could have a D & C. i didn't really want to do that though because they could have lots of complications, and i didn't like the idea of going under or anything, i have never experienced that before.

3: i could take some pills. he would put them up vaginally, and they would start contractions and everything to get the baby out. he said it was very successful and you should slowly start cramping, and bleeding, it would get heavier and heavier while you pass everything and then it will slow back down like a regular period and then stop. he said occasionally people bleed more because their body has a hard time passing all the tissue or something gets stuck, then they would have to do the d & c but that doesn't happen very often.

i thought about it and i liked the idea of the pills to be able to go home and do it naturally instead of waiting or a big procedure but i wanted to think about it and i wanted to talk to my husband and see.
so we just made the appointment on monday to come back and if i chose to do the pills then i could do it then. i made the appointment for 4:00 monday afternoon because that was pretty much what they had and i did it later hoping brady would be able to come with me this time.

when brady got home that day i told him about all our options and he thought the pill sounded good too and he said what ever i felt most comfortable with. (cause how could you really feel comfortable with any of those options?) we just relaxed that evening and spent time together. i want to say my mom kept Korvin over night for us so we could spend time together? but i can't really remember that part. (she did one night for us i just don't remember if it was this night or not)

Saturday evening was our ward christmas party and i remembered looking so forward to that event and was so excited to make something for the pot luck. as saturday went on we kept trying to decide if we wanted to go or not and be finally decided it might be good for us to get out. i never made anything though and didn't want to so we just ran to costco and picked up those yummy peppermint wedding mint candies and took them with us.

i hadn't really announced that we were pregnant to too many people in our ward so no one really knew what was going on and we had only told family that we had lost the baby. and it was really hard to be there because we live in a young married ward so everyone is either pregnant or just had a baby.
i remember there was a santa claus there so we got pictures of Korvin with santa claus, and they tried to have all the kids do a little dance and it was so funny to watch korvin up there with brady trying to show him what to do.

i wasn't going to say anything unless somebody brought it up because how do you say that? we are talking to people and say 'oh by the way our baby died'. it's kind of a mood killer. Brady had told our home teacher though because he came over to talk to him. and one of my dear friends, Morgan, over heard and came to me. she was so sweet and i am grateful she found out so i could talk about it with out having to say anything. she listened and set up meals for us that week so we wouldn't have to worry about anything.

we ended up going home early because we were just 2 sad people that weren't providing much fun, and i could do that at home in my sweats. before we left are bishop stopped us, he is so awesome by the way, and talked to us because he could just tell that something was different and that i was sad. he was so sweet and said all the right words and it was just because he knew something was wrong but no idea what. we ended up telling him and was just so great and comforting to us.

we didn't go to church sunday, it was more than we could handle so we just stayed home and spent the day together. it was so nice.

monday slowly came and i just watched the clock tick waiting for my appointment. i was so nervous and was just done with all these doctor's appointments and ultrasounds. there is just so much waiting, worrying, and draining. finally the time came to go to the doctors and i again got a babysitter for korvin(poor guy got tossed around for awhile.) brady wasn't able to come to this one either..

the appointment was pretty quick i had to get the pills and come back and they put them in. and i just had to go home and wait for them to take affect.

to be continued..

Friday, February 1, 2013

charlie: part 1

i will never forget when i first saw those two pink lines. life was full of hope and new beginnings. we were pregnant and nothing could get me down (except for that awesome morning sickness). my belly grew and i could feel our little boy moving and it was the most amazing experience. i kept growing and we had a beautiful little baby boy. he was growing up and we decided to have another baby.

we started trying and i missed my first period, but all the tests were showing up negative but one really really faint one. we went to the doctors and and the blood test was negative to and i was so disappointed. we waited and still no period so i took a another test and it was positive!

we were so excited! we couldn't wait to have another baby to join our family. we went and got a test at the doctors office and they were yelling out it was positive before i even got out of the bathroom. it was great they estimated my for June from the first period and set up an appointment.

we went and they couldn't find the heart beat so we said he would do a quick ultrasound just to make sure everything was okay. we did and there was something there but he said we were just not quite as far along as we thought, and the due date would be closer to mid july, so we just scheduled another appointment for the next month and we went home.

in the mean time i was super nauseous and tired but i just kept chugging along and slowly the month pasted. my appointment was wednesday morning December 4.  when we made the appointment Brady wasn't able to come so i invited my mom to come with me. i got a babysitter for  korvin and off we went.

we waited for my turn to finally go back and the doctor came in and he still couldn't find the heartbeat so he did another quick ultrasound and there was a sac and everything but now he couldn't find the baby.. i didn't want to alarm me but he said that the dates are off or you might have had a miscarriage.

i was thinking in my head you already thought my dates were off last time how could they be off again? he wanted me to do a blood test to check my HCG levels and if that didn't show anything than i would have to go schedule an official ultrasound at the hospital. they said to call back around 4 to get the results of the blood test and i said okay. so off i went across the hall and got my bloodwork done and went home to sit and wait...

 and wait i did because i called about 3:45 and left a message and 5 o'clock was slowly approaching and i never got a phone call. i tried one more time and nothing. i was so upset that they would not get back to me with something so important as this! I really love my doctor and he delivered Korvin and he has never not called me back before. the office has an on call doctor in the evening that you can call in case you need something and i was so upset that i called them to see if i could find anything out. they said since i was pregnant they would just get a hold of my real doctor and have him call me.

i waited...

and waited..

slept horribly and he never called.

to make things worse is my doctor is never in on thursdays. that is his day off. i was so upset that they would do this to somebody and make them wait like this! stewing over every horrible thought in my head. finally 9:00 in the morning came and i called the office and the poor receptionist that answered my phone call but i was angry and i wasn't hanging up until i got some answers! they had me leave a message with the on-call doctor and by then i was crying into the phone as i left the message. i thought good maybe they will feel bad and get back to me fast.

and they did! they were listening to the message, and the PA, that is under my doctor, just  happened to come in that morning to finish up some things and heard what was going on and got ahold of my doctor for me. she was so sweet and called me and told me that my blood test came back and my levels were like 44,000 and something and that she called and set up a ultra sound appointment for me.

Brady was at a new job and couldn't just take time off to come to my appointment and so my mom came with me again. the tech that did it was so sweet and talked me through everything and they did an ultrasound it showed that i was supposed to be 13.5 weeks and the baby's sac only measured 8 weeks 3 days. they got a lot of information from that ultrasound but they wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound as well just to make sure they didn't miss anything.

but that was it. the baby was gone.

my doctor saw the results and wanted me to come in at 8:30 the next morning to talk about options and things that were going to happen.

i don't think it had really sunk in that night but i had to come home and wait to tell my husband that our baby was gone. and that korvin wouldn't be a big brother anymore and come summer there would be no new baby.

how could i tell him that?

how could i say that i didn't do my part to keep this baby alive like i was supossed to, and that i had failed.

it was so hard. we both just sat together and cried. and then cried some more.
and just snuggled up together the rest of the night and didn't say much.

how can you?

nothing else really seemed important anymore.

to be continued...

thank you.

i am so over whelmed with all the sweet comments and messages i have gotten in the last couple of days. it means so much to me and i am so grateful for the love and support i have gotten. i have cried and laughed and loved all the words that were written for my behalf. i can't thank you guys enough for listening to me and not judging me for how i am feeling and expressing things i normally wouldn't.
these last couple of days have been so nice and i am slowly starting to feel like my self again. i feel so much love and happiness right now, it was just what i needed.
oh and i am now down 14 pounds! wahoo! i just had to put that out there because it awesome.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

feelings and change..

so i know it has been awhile since i have posted anything, and when i have posted i am super far behind. so many things in our life has happened and i just can't seem to catch up with any of it. i feel like everyone is moving forward and i am just standing here confused and alone.
i want to try and put my life back together and i want to write about it to keep as a journal.
i am soo not good and sharing my feelings with anyone (just ask my husband), and i really want to work on it. i love reading blogs and the ones i love to read most are the ones that are raw and not well manicured, or like they are trying to just show their prefect life. life is not perfect. it also helps me feel like i am not the only out there that is confused and a little messy.
so here are my jumbled up thoughts i am putting together.
from now on i am going to try and write on my blog more, and instead just posting the routine factual things that go in my life, i am going to write about what i am feeling and the things i am tryiing to tackle. and of course lots of pictures of my adorable family.
i am not a writer. i never liked to write and i am not good and all the grammer and punctuation things. so if you are still reading you will just have to bear with me and just enjoy the conversation and not the english behind it. (also get comfortable, this post is kinda long.)

i am struggling. with lots of things.

1: i have this weight (literally) hanging over me. i want to be healthy and skinny. i have always been the fatter friend. the bigger boobed friend. the huge hips friend. and i am super self conscience about it. and since i have had Korvin i feel like the girl who still looks pregnant friend that isn't really pregnant. ever since i lost this baby (and everything else that happened, that i will post about later) i started trying to loose weight and just try to be overall healthier. and it hasn't been easy. so far i have officially lost 11 pounds. the problem is i do really well during the week and then i blow it away on the weekends and have to start over. i don't do it intentionally, it just happens. but after having a long discussion with my husband he said something to me.
he said maybe i am not losing the weight because i am missing something else in my life. and he was right i was missing the gospel. he said maybe if i started reading my scriptures and praying everyday then maybe i coculd lose the weight and keep it off. i am LDS or mormon. i always have been. i know that the church is true i can feel it. and i love going to church on sundays, i even went to seminary most of the time. but one thing i have never been good at is praying and reading my scriptures. one thing i have probably never told anyone but i have never actually read the whole book of mormon cover to cover. and i want to. so this past week i have started reading and saying my prayers and i can honestly say it has helped me. i prayed to god that if i was reading and praying and doing the things that i need to be doing, then i want help to lose the weight i am carrying (pysically and emotionally). since i have started i have lost 3.5 pounds and i am feeling so much better about myself.
so back to my weighty issue, i am going to now be the healthy friend, the cute friend, and the friend that feels good about herself no matter what is going on.

2: i want another baby. i want another baby so bad it physically hurts sometimes. i want Korvin to have a sybling to play and fight with. i want the crazy of 2 kids and not knowing when i am going to shower or sleep next. (sometimes it still is that way) i want that fresh baby smell to snuggle up to. i want those flailing arms when they get startled. i want to nurse. i want to love on more then one baby. i want to have so much love that i just dont know where the love for one kid ends and the other begins. i want to wake up in the middle of the night knowing that my baby needs me and i can sooth, feed, and put them back to sleep.
don't get me wrong i am so grateful for Korvin and the little family i have now but it hurts knowing that i have one that will never really be apart of our family in this life. i wont be able to learn the little things that they love, or help calm them when they are sad. and i won't know what not to do when they get mad. i hate not knowing what the baby was so i can't even call them he or she.
my arms ache for more children and i can't wait for that one day i can say i have children and not child.
i am so grateful to those that have small ones that let me sit and pretend for a moment that i have all that. and i can enjoy those new precious little spirits. and know that one day it will happen again.

3: i am a people pleaser. i will do and say almost anything to make someone else happy or get their approval. i hate it. i want to be happy because i am happy. i don't want to feel like i have to be perfect or do certain things just so i can feel like i have accomplished something. i don't want to try so hard to make friends, i want to be more outgoing and have friends who like me for all of me and they want to hang out with me no matter what i look like. i want to be the popular one that has her life put together and  doesnt care what others think. i want to be able to say no when i dont necessarilly want to do something or be able to stand up for myself and acknowledge the things that i do and not get pushed to the bottom because i am more quiet and shy.
i also like to be needed. i love when others ask me for their help. that i can be able to help others when they need it. i love when people ask for my opinion and actually listen or take the advice i give.
i don't know very much but and i am not always right about the advice or my opinion but i want to be acknowledged.

change is hard. and it isn't easy to do things out of your comfort zone. but slowly i am going to work on it.

slowly, i am becoming a better person.
slowly, i am getting healthier.
slowly, i am more indepentant.
slowly, i am loving more.
slowly, i am becoming a better wife and mother.
slowly, i am becoming closer to the gospel.
slowly, i am getting the energy i need to keep up with my children.
slowly, i am going to be the way i want.
slowly, i am going to be happy with who i am.