so it has been awhile..
i am sorry to be one of those people who start a story and don't finish posting it right away.
i have had a hard time writing this post because this is where everything happened. i have come to terms with it and i am okay with it, but finally putting it down on words and reliving it was just something i was not ready to do.
and now i am.
**but i must now put this is graphic and may be too much information but this is what happened and i want to write it down before i forget too much so viewer discretion is advised**
so i left off right after my doctors appointment on monday afternoon.
my doctor has said the pill will work fast that it would cause my uterus to start contracting and that i would start passing clots it would get heavier and heavier and then it would die down and be just like a regular period.
so when i got home i just relaxed and was expecting to have it start happening soon.
brady came home and someone brought us food over for dinner.
we ate.
we waited.
and waited.
and nothing was happening so we put korvin down for bed and we went to bed too.
around 11 o' clock i was still awake and had to use the bathroom so i went and there was a little spotting, but hardly anything so i went back to bed.
i finally started to fall asleep around midnight and could start to feeling something happening so i went to the bathroom.
i passed some clots and being afraid to flush the toilet because my baby could be in there. (my doctor said i wouldn't be able to tell because the baby would have broken down and not been distinguishable. but that thought still runs through your mind.
i finally go enough courage to look down but i could not see anything because the water was a dark red. i closed my eyes, hurried and flushed, and went and layed back down.
(there is no way i could have been brave enough to fish things out and brady was asleep and had to be to work the next day so i wasn't going to wake him up either.)
i started to fall asleep again around 1:30 a.m. the same thing started to happen. i jumped up and by the time i got to the bathroom everything was soaked through. i passed more clots and cleaned up. i decided to sleep on the couch so i wouldn't wake up brady. he had just gotten a new job and couldn't get any work off and he has to be up at 5:30 in the morning so i wanted to let him sleep.
another hour later after i have just fallen asleep it happens again. i am trying to hurry to the bathroom and i have soaked through everything again. so i clean everything up and get settled back in. and just a little bit later i hear Korvin waking up, which is not normal for him. i layed there for a little bit and he started crying and i didn't want brady to wake up to him so i go over to the stairs and start to climb over the baby gate when blood just starts gushing out and running all down my legs and on the rug and everywhere. i am trying to clean things up but as gross as it is, i am dripping everywhere. i get myself all cleaned up again and luckily korvin just went back to sleep without me so i could clean everything else up and settle back down on the couch.
i was starting to get worried because this didn't really feel right. i felt like i should be starting to slow down on my bleeding and the doctor did say that there was a small chance that if the bleeding didn't stop then i would have to go in and get a D & C because my body couldn't get rid of all the tissue by itself.
again around 4:00 a.m. i get up and run to the bathroom. it doesn't feel right. i remember getting really hot and i was sweating, i also felt like i was going to throw up. i try to yell out for brady as he is getting up, i got really nauseous, i yelled for him to grab a bowl, then i leaned over the side of the tub and threw up.
i was so shaky and sweaty and just not at all well. i remember brady kneeling in front of me asking what was the matter and i was trying to tell him what has been happening. then he is shaking me, and yelling my name. i remember hearing him yell but i felt like i was in a deep sleep and it was so hard to wake up. everything was blurry. i asked him what was the matter and he said i had passed out.
he said we needed to go to the hospital and kept saying i was so white.
after i had passed out i felt my body recharging and i felt so much better. brady had called my mom and then called my awesome neighbor and she hurried over to watch korvin while brady took me to the hospital. i remember going outside and brady kept trying to put a jacket on me but it felt so good to feel the cold air!
we get to the hospital and i feel so much better and feel kinda stupid for coming into the hospital. but apparently i didn't look alright because as soon as they saw me they rushed a wheelchair to me and made me sit and then wheeled me back to the emergency room right away.
a lot of this part was a blur and yet some parts went by so slowly. i remember getting in bed and mumbling information they needed. i remember telling them about where to find veins, (when i took my EMT classes with iv's i learned that no one could ever find my veins and even the instructors tried and only got them a couple of times, and having korvin i had to tell them where to go. i just have deep veins and most of the time they have to do what you call a blind stick.) brady also called work and told them he wouldn't be in that day, and they took several blood tests to see all my blood levels, and i remember my mom and sister coming to see me. but most of the time i just wanted to sleep.
i remember telling that i needed to use the bathroom and they brought me in one of those awesome old people potties. they kept asking me if i was okay to get up and go and i kept saying yes i was find because i thought i was. i then proceeded to slowly get up and then pass out.
i lost all my privileges. no one would let me get out of bed again. that also meant since i couldn't get up i had to have someone else clean me up from all the blood. but i don't remember to much because i don't think i was all there.
we had to wait several hours for reasons i don't really know. i know that for part they were trying to get a hold of my doctor, and waiting for radiology to come in so they could do some ultrasounds. they did ultrasounds and everything cam back from what we already knew that we lost the baby and they couldn't see any big pieces of remaining tissue.
then we waited some more. they were trying to schedule me a D&C, where i would have to go under, and get a doctor in that would do it. when the doctor that was going to do my d&c came in and was checking my blood levels and everything and saw how low my count was (hct 26.1(normal 40) and HGB 9(normal 14)) he wanted to check and see if he had to really go in and do a d&c because i would have to go under and most likely have a blood transfusion.
it was now around 9:30 a.m. and i have had no pain medication or food since the day before. he props my lower half into the air on one of those bed potty things and starts pulling out baseball size blood clots. he starts using other tools and starts scraping things out, and says he will just do the procedure here and then i hopefully wont have to have any blood transfusions if he can get it to stop.
from then on i just remember pain. pure, un-medicated pain. the most pain i have ever felt. brady and my mom were there for support and were holding my hands. Brady kept telling me to squeeze his hand it was okay, but i was so much in my own world just trying to manage everything that was going on that i couldn't even speak. i felt trapped in the pain and i just wanted to give up.
brady continued to keep telling me to squeeze his hand and i finally found my voice to yell out i couldn't! i couldn't even focus to do anything at that point but feel the pain. i started crying and i just kept listening to the doctor on what he was doing. he talked the entire time and told me exactly what he was doing and why he was doing it. it kept me sane. once brady understood what i was trying to do he and my mom kept telling me words of encouragement.
my mouth was so dry from not drinking and all the crying that my mom got me those sponge suckers and kept wetting my mouth enough to make it more bearable. my heart rate kept going up and up till it was around 200 and finally the doctor said something and asked if i had had any pain medication and i yelled out no! he stopped and told the nurses to get me some immediately and waited for it to kick in. by now it had been about 45 minutes into the procedure and i was at my limits.
during the procedure my iv line started to go bad. it was so painful and it felt like my arm was on fire. and they had to start a new line in my other arm.
i just cried. i gave in to the pain and cried more than i have ever cried in my life. i couldn't control the pain, my baby was dead and gone and this made it more official. i was having the d&c that i didn't want and everything that was going wrong was.
when the drugs started to work and while he was waiting he did an ultrasound on my uterus to check and make sure he was getting everything. we worked for a little bit more and i just tried to stay as calm as i could. i didn't know what else to do and there wasn't anything else i could do. the medication didn't help that much but there wasn't a lot left for him to do.
it took him about another 15 minutes to finish up the rest and then i had to sit in the same spot and wait to see if my bleeding would stop.
and let me tell you that was pretty painful as well! everything just ached and hurt from being so stiff and i just held all that pain in by stiffening up so just hurt everywhere. but i did it. the iv in my arm was not a good one and it still burned and was super painful as well but there wasn't much more they could do.
they also gave me a very painful shot in my thigh to close up my cervix. once they finally pulled out that bed potty thing that was propping me up it was a joyous time! i couldn't wait to be cleaned up. i just wanted a shower food and sleep.
i had to be transferred to the other hospital because that is where the doctor that did my d&c worked and that way he could keep a better eye on me, and too see if i would need a blood transfusion or not.
i forgot to mention that brady's elders quorum president is a paramedic and happened to be at work when this was all happening. he would keep coming in and checking on us and he was the one that actually transferred me to the other hospital in the ambulance. it was so amazing to have someone there that knew what was going on and that we knew to help. it was such a great blessing and he continued to call and check up on me the the next couple of weeks, he was just awesome.
by the time they actually was transferring me to the other hospital is when the drugs and everything kicked in and i could not keep my eyes open no matter how hard i tried. my mind was racing with everything going on but my eyeballs would not work they way i wanted them to. it was the weirdest thing. and i may or may not have said some weird things to our poor friend and his paramedic companion.
we finally got to the other hospital i think around 1:00 p.m. and they took me up to the post partum floor. i first asked for food and while i was waiting i begged for a shower but since i was still so weak and light headed they refused.
i fell asleep before my food got there but i woke up again and tried to eat but i was so nauseous that i couldn't. and i was so cold i had to keep asking for more blankets. i also kept hoping i could get the iv out because it was so painful but they said no incase i did ending up have a blood transfusion.
i slept for a little bit longer but i just felt so disgusting that i told them i was feeling well enough to take a shower just because i couldn't take it anymore.
brady ended up holding most of my weight walking down the hall and to the shower and sat in a chair while he helped wash my hair and everything. it was so nice and i started to feel like a human being again! after the quick shower he helped me back and i took a nap until around 4 when korvin had woken up from his nap. and i was waiting to see him i just wanted to hold my baby and love on him.
when he came he was anything but in the snuggling mood and didn't want anything to do with me. it was so hard because i couldn't do anything but that was all i wanted was to be able to be with him and take care of the baby i did have.
they didn't stay for very long because i was so exhausted. i had a hard time sleeping though and i was still hungry but couldn't eat anything. finally around 7 or so the nurse came in and was talking to us and said that the blood test they took again said my blood count had leveled out and wasn't going lower than it was so i could go home and that as long as my bleeding had stopped i could go home. Hallelujah! i just had to wait for the doctor to come up and sign everything to let me go.
Korvin's bed time is 8:00 p.m. and i wanted to get out of there so bad before he went to bed so i could see him again and he could sleep at home in our own beds. everyone was busy and i was being the annoying patient that kept pushing her call button to get out of there and keep moving things along so i could get home to my son. (and also to get my stupid iv out!) finally around 8:30 we were leaving the hospital!!
we went home, and i tried to snuggle my sweet baby before he went to bed (which never worked but i had to try) and went to bed myself home at last.
now i had to start my new journey and heal my broken self.
i started to fall asleep again around 1:30 a.m. the same thing started to happen. i jumped up and by the time i got to the bathroom everything was soaked through. i passed more clots and cleaned up. i decided to sleep on the couch so i wouldn't wake up brady. he had just gotten a new job and couldn't get any work off and he has to be up at 5:30 in the morning so i wanted to let him sleep.
another hour later after i have just fallen asleep it happens again. i am trying to hurry to the bathroom and i have soaked through everything again. so i clean everything up and get settled back in. and just a little bit later i hear Korvin waking up, which is not normal for him. i layed there for a little bit and he started crying and i didn't want brady to wake up to him so i go over to the stairs and start to climb over the baby gate when blood just starts gushing out and running all down my legs and on the rug and everywhere. i am trying to clean things up but as gross as it is, i am dripping everywhere. i get myself all cleaned up again and luckily korvin just went back to sleep without me so i could clean everything else up and settle back down on the couch.
i was starting to get worried because this didn't really feel right. i felt like i should be starting to slow down on my bleeding and the doctor did say that there was a small chance that if the bleeding didn't stop then i would have to go in and get a D & C because my body couldn't get rid of all the tissue by itself.
again around 4:00 a.m. i get up and run to the bathroom. it doesn't feel right. i remember getting really hot and i was sweating, i also felt like i was going to throw up. i try to yell out for brady as he is getting up, i got really nauseous, i yelled for him to grab a bowl, then i leaned over the side of the tub and threw up.
i was so shaky and sweaty and just not at all well. i remember brady kneeling in front of me asking what was the matter and i was trying to tell him what has been happening. then he is shaking me, and yelling my name. i remember hearing him yell but i felt like i was in a deep sleep and it was so hard to wake up. everything was blurry. i asked him what was the matter and he said i had passed out.
he said we needed to go to the hospital and kept saying i was so white.
after i had passed out i felt my body recharging and i felt so much better. brady had called my mom and then called my awesome neighbor and she hurried over to watch korvin while brady took me to the hospital. i remember going outside and brady kept trying to put a jacket on me but it felt so good to feel the cold air!
we get to the hospital and i feel so much better and feel kinda stupid for coming into the hospital. but apparently i didn't look alright because as soon as they saw me they rushed a wheelchair to me and made me sit and then wheeled me back to the emergency room right away.
a lot of this part was a blur and yet some parts went by so slowly. i remember getting in bed and mumbling information they needed. i remember telling them about where to find veins, (when i took my EMT classes with iv's i learned that no one could ever find my veins and even the instructors tried and only got them a couple of times, and having korvin i had to tell them where to go. i just have deep veins and most of the time they have to do what you call a blind stick.) brady also called work and told them he wouldn't be in that day, and they took several blood tests to see all my blood levels, and i remember my mom and sister coming to see me. but most of the time i just wanted to sleep.
i remember telling that i needed to use the bathroom and they brought me in one of those awesome old people potties. they kept asking me if i was okay to get up and go and i kept saying yes i was find because i thought i was. i then proceeded to slowly get up and then pass out.
i lost all my privileges. no one would let me get out of bed again. that also meant since i couldn't get up i had to have someone else clean me up from all the blood. but i don't remember to much because i don't think i was all there.
we had to wait several hours for reasons i don't really know. i know that for part they were trying to get a hold of my doctor, and waiting for radiology to come in so they could do some ultrasounds. they did ultrasounds and everything cam back from what we already knew that we lost the baby and they couldn't see any big pieces of remaining tissue.
then we waited some more. they were trying to schedule me a D&C, where i would have to go under, and get a doctor in that would do it. when the doctor that was going to do my d&c came in and was checking my blood levels and everything and saw how low my count was (hct 26.1(normal 40) and HGB 9(normal 14)) he wanted to check and see if he had to really go in and do a d&c because i would have to go under and most likely have a blood transfusion.
it was now around 9:30 a.m. and i have had no pain medication or food since the day before. he props my lower half into the air on one of those bed potty things and starts pulling out baseball size blood clots. he starts using other tools and starts scraping things out, and says he will just do the procedure here and then i hopefully wont have to have any blood transfusions if he can get it to stop.
from then on i just remember pain. pure, un-medicated pain. the most pain i have ever felt. brady and my mom were there for support and were holding my hands. Brady kept telling me to squeeze his hand it was okay, but i was so much in my own world just trying to manage everything that was going on that i couldn't even speak. i felt trapped in the pain and i just wanted to give up.
brady continued to keep telling me to squeeze his hand and i finally found my voice to yell out i couldn't! i couldn't even focus to do anything at that point but feel the pain. i started crying and i just kept listening to the doctor on what he was doing. he talked the entire time and told me exactly what he was doing and why he was doing it. it kept me sane. once brady understood what i was trying to do he and my mom kept telling me words of encouragement.
my mouth was so dry from not drinking and all the crying that my mom got me those sponge suckers and kept wetting my mouth enough to make it more bearable. my heart rate kept going up and up till it was around 200 and finally the doctor said something and asked if i had had any pain medication and i yelled out no! he stopped and told the nurses to get me some immediately and waited for it to kick in. by now it had been about 45 minutes into the procedure and i was at my limits.
during the procedure my iv line started to go bad. it was so painful and it felt like my arm was on fire. and they had to start a new line in my other arm.
i just cried. i gave in to the pain and cried more than i have ever cried in my life. i couldn't control the pain, my baby was dead and gone and this made it more official. i was having the d&c that i didn't want and everything that was going wrong was.
when the drugs started to work and while he was waiting he did an ultrasound on my uterus to check and make sure he was getting everything. we worked for a little bit more and i just tried to stay as calm as i could. i didn't know what else to do and there wasn't anything else i could do. the medication didn't help that much but there wasn't a lot left for him to do.
it took him about another 15 minutes to finish up the rest and then i had to sit in the same spot and wait to see if my bleeding would stop.
and let me tell you that was pretty painful as well! everything just ached and hurt from being so stiff and i just held all that pain in by stiffening up so just hurt everywhere. but i did it. the iv in my arm was not a good one and it still burned and was super painful as well but there wasn't much more they could do.
they also gave me a very painful shot in my thigh to close up my cervix. once they finally pulled out that bed potty thing that was propping me up it was a joyous time! i couldn't wait to be cleaned up. i just wanted a shower food and sleep.
i had to be transferred to the other hospital because that is where the doctor that did my d&c worked and that way he could keep a better eye on me, and too see if i would need a blood transfusion or not.
i forgot to mention that brady's elders quorum president is a paramedic and happened to be at work when this was all happening. he would keep coming in and checking on us and he was the one that actually transferred me to the other hospital in the ambulance. it was so amazing to have someone there that knew what was going on and that we knew to help. it was such a great blessing and he continued to call and check up on me the the next couple of weeks, he was just awesome.
by the time they actually was transferring me to the other hospital is when the drugs and everything kicked in and i could not keep my eyes open no matter how hard i tried. my mind was racing with everything going on but my eyeballs would not work they way i wanted them to. it was the weirdest thing. and i may or may not have said some weird things to our poor friend and his paramedic companion.
we finally got to the other hospital i think around 1:00 p.m. and they took me up to the post partum floor. i first asked for food and while i was waiting i begged for a shower but since i was still so weak and light headed they refused.
i fell asleep before my food got there but i woke up again and tried to eat but i was so nauseous that i couldn't. and i was so cold i had to keep asking for more blankets. i also kept hoping i could get the iv out because it was so painful but they said no incase i did ending up have a blood transfusion.
i slept for a little bit longer but i just felt so disgusting that i told them i was feeling well enough to take a shower just because i couldn't take it anymore.
brady ended up holding most of my weight walking down the hall and to the shower and sat in a chair while he helped wash my hair and everything. it was so nice and i started to feel like a human being again! after the quick shower he helped me back and i took a nap until around 4 when korvin had woken up from his nap. and i was waiting to see him i just wanted to hold my baby and love on him.
when he came he was anything but in the snuggling mood and didn't want anything to do with me. it was so hard because i couldn't do anything but that was all i wanted was to be able to be with him and take care of the baby i did have.
they didn't stay for very long because i was so exhausted. i had a hard time sleeping though and i was still hungry but couldn't eat anything. finally around 7 or so the nurse came in and was talking to us and said that the blood test they took again said my blood count had leveled out and wasn't going lower than it was so i could go home and that as long as my bleeding had stopped i could go home. Hallelujah! i just had to wait for the doctor to come up and sign everything to let me go.
Korvin's bed time is 8:00 p.m. and i wanted to get out of there so bad before he went to bed so i could see him again and he could sleep at home in our own beds. everyone was busy and i was being the annoying patient that kept pushing her call button to get out of there and keep moving things along so i could get home to my son. (and also to get my stupid iv out!) finally around 8:30 we were leaving the hospital!!
we went home, and i tried to snuggle my sweet baby before he went to bed (which never worked but i had to try) and went to bed myself home at last.
now i had to start my new journey and heal my broken self.
3 comments:
On the contrary sweetheart- you are NOT broken! Never have been. Trust in the Lord, trust in your body and the ability it has to know when something is wrong. You are being watched over, never forget that. Bless you for this trial. Writting things down always helps and everything will work out-promise! Hang in there lady and know that you are loved. xoxo
You are so strong! This sounds like a very painful experience in all senses. I love what Morgan said, she is right. Writing it down can be healing. This trial has given you such a unique opportunity to feel what our Heavenly Father felt when His son had to die. I am so glad you shared this, I have so much love and sympathy for you. Your husband is outstanding too, I hope it has only brought you two closer <3
Kaylyn! It was so amazing of you to share your story, and I know how hard that must have been. I know it sounds really redundant and your probably so tired of hearing people say this to you, but your going to keep hearing it anyways; the lord doesn't give you things that you can't handle. When I had my miscarriage it brought me so much closer to the lord. I already had a good relationship (with him) I thought, but through THIS trial something in me changed, and with time my broken heart was mended by the love of our father in heaven! I wish you and your family the best, and remember I'm only a message away:) Love you!
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